11/13/2006
Further clarification...
I guess I was so pissed off with Daisuke yesterday that I portrayed him as a bad father and the reality is that when he is here, he is good with Joey and Joey adores him. As others have commented, this was something that took time because although I expected D to take to fatherhood immediately as he has always been so great with kids, it took time for Joey to need me less and for the two of them to find their groove. I work every saturday morning and every monday evening and I guess in D`s mind, that is when he gets his quality time with Joey, doesn`t deal with the problem of a lack of family time/me time/ feeling like I have to force him to spend time with us but I guess I was being a little bit unfair as he isn`t bad all the time, we have just had a bad couple of weeks and he has made me so angry on several occasions because of his attitude.
Reading the comments on my last post has made me realise a couple of things though, my husband likes to nag and he complains about anything and everything house-related whereas I am quite laid-back in the housekeeping area. There is probably part of me that doesn`t try and force him to stay home/ be with us because it does give me peace and quiet and I don`t have to hear him complain about how I don`t tidy up enough. (Of course we won`t get into a discussion as to why I should be the person solely responsible for tidying because then I will just get angry again..)
I guess I was also angry because if I ever try and have a lie-in, he complains that it is boring and that he wants to go out but if HE wants to have a lie-in it is all good.
Someone asked if I had talked to my MIL about it. Interestingly enough, she has commented several times recently that Daisuke doesn`t take enough time to spend time with the family and that it is not a good thing so I am assuming that it isn`t just a cultural thing. She thinks he is being an arse as well so I feel a little bit more justified in my frustrations!
I am alot calmer today because I think I worked out my frustrations in my post! The only problem is that the man himself probably doesn`t know how strongly I feel about it yet but I think the idea of sitting down and writing him a letter is a good one because I tend to get overly emotional when I try and talk about this kind of stuff.
Thanks for all the hugs and letting me whinge, I really needed to get it all out of my system!!! Anyways, I have to go and get Joey ready for daycare so I will probably post again later!
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6 comments:
I didn't think you made him out to be a bad father. At least I didn't think so.
I totally understand your frustration with him. In my case I don't care what the cause of the problem is - different personal ideas about parenting and family life, cultural differences, or whatever. We are a family and have to work together as a family regardless of where anyone is from. It is impossible if half the family doesn't even listen or seem to care about the other half.
If we have to live up to their cultural expectations about taking all the resposibility for the kids then they have to live up to some of our expectations too sometimes, don't you think?
Anyway, I am glad you are feeling better though. If you write a letter to him, hope it works.
I understand how you felt as well and I didn't get any feeling that you thought he is a bad father. It is frustrating when what you want someone to do and what they actually are doing is so different.
I think the idea of giving him a note is a good one, especially if you are like me and end up forgetting half the things you wanted to talk about in the middle of the conversation.
i don't think you portrayed him as a bad father, either. maybe a little selfish (but hey, my husband is, too!!)
don't worry about it, it's your blog, you're allowed to whinge as much as you like!
Thanks for clarifying. He does seem rather redeemed! That doesn't let him off the hook, however. Hope the letter works.
My DH is also very picky with housework. I just gave up after awhile and said he could do it if he didn't like the way I did it. Now he does it.
Also, the other commenters were right in that it is a tough age to be with young kids. Maybe increasing the mornings Joey is in day care by one to just have some "me" time or get housework accomplished? I don't think that is bad at all. A happier mum makes for a happier family, and is worth the money I think.
Anyhow, enough! Must get translating! Hugs!
Hi Midori,
I am glad you commented in my blog because I didn't realize you were a member of blogger as well. I too didn't think you were making him out to be terrible. Honestly- for me too- the lack of freedom was something I didn't really ponder before having a child and it has taken me 2 1/2 years to accept ( Well I think I have but who knows when I will breakdown again because of it). I often have had tantrums because I hear about all the Japanese Dads taking their kids to the park on Sunday morning to let their wives sleep in- NEVER HAPPENED TO ME! My neighbour claims her husband sometimes goes to bed early on Saturday because he knows his son wakes up early so he wants to wake up at the same time to take him out so his wife won't be disturbed and can sleep in until NOON (I kid you not). I swear up and down Dh is great in that he loves spending time as a family but giving me alone time by taking DS away for a few hours is very seldom- so careful what you wish for as you might not be able to get rid of him if he ends up liking the family thing too much! Then don't get me started on when I hear everyone I know talking about leaving their children with in-laws, for the day or OH MY GOODNESS- for the night. Anyways, if I were in Kagoshima our DH's would have no choice but to babysit for a few hours in the evening after your last post. I would offer to go out and down a few drinks!
Lily (who feels like she found a kindred spirit when she read what you wrote about the lack of freedom)
I was not left with the impression that he was a bad Dad. Rather is acting like a bad husband. I am totally spoiled with my husband, who has the take that if his wife is happy he will be happy and therefore lets me have time away and sleep in days.
I think writing a letter or talking this out has to be done. He probably has no clue
(as men often do not) how frightfully upset you are. Take Care of you and HUGS!
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