11/12/2006
Idiot husband update/ clarification...
So at 12.30pm I had finally had enough of my husband being ensconced in the futon while I was running around after our son (I still need to go downstairs to the first floor to apologise to our neighbours for the ball that is currently residing in their garden after Joey threw it down there!) and told him it was time to get up. I got a cranky-arse reply and I told him (in my politest Japanese) that being out all night with his work buddies was fine while it was just us (in fact, I have been known to do that kind of thing in the past) but now we have a child, it is irresponsible and if he was going to do that kind of thing that he can`t expect to sleep in all day. He did the usual turning things back on me and trying to get angry with me but I think he could see that he was fighting a losing battle!
I left J with him while I ran out to get McD`s (as I had been craving it since this morning ) and some juice (as we had run out) and while I was gone, Joey fell asleep (thank heavens for small blessings) but my husband`s first reaction when we finished lunch was. "ok, Joey is asleep, I am going to the gym." I just don`t have the energy to have the same old fight with him and to be honest, I am hating him so much today that I prefer that he isn`t around, at least I can have some peace and quiet.
Perhaps those of you out there in blogland can help me with this one (especially those of you married to Japanese guys, but all advice/ consoling is welcome!!!) Before I got married, I always pictured that weekends would be a cool thing where we spent time as a family. I thought we would get to laze around and then go to the park/zoo/ somewhere for lunch. Before Joey was born we did spend time as a couple although obviously we did things with our friends separately as well. Since Joey came along it feels like I have to force my husband to spend time with us. If I don`t suggest something/come up with a plan, he will go off and do his own thing. I think the last time we spent the day as a family was before the summer and even then, it probably wasn`t a day, it was probably half a day and the other half of his day was probably spent at pachinko/the gym while I looked after Joey. How do the rest of you spend your weekends? My husband always claims that he needs time to "himself" because he is stressed and needs to relax. I always had the ideal that spending time with your family was relaxing. Growing up I don`t remember my Dad trying to bugger off every weekend, I remember him taking us to the swings or for a walk in the park. Was my Dad`s job less stressful than Daisuke`s job!? I don`t think so. Is it a cultural difference? or is it just that my husband is obnoxious and I am only realising it now?!
Now I realise that part of me resents my husband because he is so free. HE never worries about having to turn down a drinking party/ appointment because there will be no-one to look after Joey because it is a given that I will be the only looking after our son. HIS parties/ work always has priority and I have to work around it. I know that as a parent sacrifices/ compromise are necessary but what I don`t understand is that if as a PARENT these things are necessary, why am I the one making all the compromises? I guess there is also a big part of me that is feeling really run down and worn out. Joey is a good kid but he is entering the "terrible two" type stage and telling him "no" "stop it" or "that`s dangerous" is wearing me down. I am sure everything will work itself out eventually, one way or another but at the moment I am so sick of his self-centredness!
Sorry for all the doom and gloom, I promise to be more cheerful soon!!
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8 comments:
I don't know, but if you figure it out will you let me know? Mine does spend time with the kids; sometimes; but it is usually him sitting on the coach watching something stupid on tv while DS bounced himself silly in his chair and DD tries almost hysterically to get his attention. He will go out to the park/zoo and stuff though, but I have to arrange it do everything which makes me rather resentful about the whole thing. Sigh. Sorry, no helpful advice, just ramblig. I totally get what you are talking about though.
I think you are being very understanding. Have you tried expressing what you just wrote on your blog (in this post) to him in a letter in Japanese? It might not help, but at least then he would know how you feel.
The only advice I can offer is to try and make him feel welcome at home, and praise him to high heavens (even when he doesn't deserve it) when he does do something right. The other idea is to simply just resign yourself to doing all the events for family-related planning, and plan a schedule that pleases you. Plan soemthing FOR YOU every weekend, and then maybe a family day as well.
Given my limited experience with Japanese family dynamics, I expect that to many J-men, spending time watching TV idly with their children* IS* their example of quality time. I expect our different backgrounds in this respsect might be a problem.
Best regards,
Wendy
Thanks for commenting at my place, it is always nice to have new visitors.
I'm afraid I can't offer any advise on Japanese husbands.
But, this is not a good sign that you are ok with him being away from the family, as it gives you more peace. Caution to you young one, you may like him gone all the time one day.
You may try to encourage "family" outings that you all can enjoy, walking a park, going to the gym with him. Ya know show him that you can be happy when he s around and he may not be so grumpy. In turn he may pat your back every now and then and show you respect cause you respect him.
Good luck.
My husband is half Japanese but the other half is Canadian so I think the major cultural stuff is different. Have you asked your Mother in law about it? Maybe she has some insight?
Do not apologize for your feelings!!! You have every right to feel angry and upset. I cannot imagine raising a toddler alone and feeling so isolated in a foreign country!
I wish you much luck with resolving this....because it seems as though if it does nto get resolved something is going to break!
I'd be throwing a fit by now but that doesn't mean that you should.
I do think you should talk to him though.
Same in China - Li drives me BATTY!!! He was awful in Japan where we had no parents seeing him be a lazy ass. In Japan I used to set the law - you can sleep till ten but then after that your ass is black and blue. I think that in my situation it helped that I went to work. He actually had daycare duty two days a week and that was a big deal to me and to toddlerji. It is hard girl and I have been where you are and still go through it periodically. Set a law, set it in stone and make sure he understand very clearly why. You may have to repeat it monthly for the rest of your lives but it does help a bit.
((hugs))
first of all. Joey`s age. This is a tough time and I felt nearly at the end of my rope almost always when my kids were this age. I felt like I was "on duty" 24 hours a day just to keep the kid alive and out of trouble. any time I could get a break from that was pure bliss. secondly.... I think some men are more natural with kids...luckily my husband has enjoyed spending kid time... not family time , mind you, but he is quite happy to take off with the kids on weekends and dlesn`t mind if I go or not. It`s a treat for me to stay home kidless while he goes out to play.
Hopefully as joey gets older and is not so dependent upon you for guidance and support you will get some of yourself back become an independent person again.
unfortunately this takes time....I just figured that I spent 8 years at home with babies..... (0-3) and then I spent also 9 years taking kids (3-5) to the bus and picking them up (while I was at home with a baby). Next year the youngest will start first grade... slowly but surely the person that I want to be is coming back....... back to me......hopefully you will get some more understanding and support from your husband.........
yoshi does spend time with us. sometimes i just want him to get out of my hair!! more often than not i'm the one to suggest an activity for us to do together as a family, but he has been known to say, 'let's go to global arena.' or 'do you want to go see the sea?'
before we had kids i used to kick his ass for sleeping all day on sundays! geez, that used to drive me crazy. maybe in our case, though, he wanted kids and was so excited about their births & playing with them when they got older.
when it was just hiro a lot was left up to me (bathing, feeding etc.) but when sasha came along, yoshi has done so much more. i think it helps that hiro can walk on his own and can say a few words!
hang in there, D may change as joey gets older. or, you may just have to introduce him to the cat's in the cradle song...
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